Friday, June 18

Breaking All the Rules Blogfest

Another great Blogfest (this one hosted by the very sweet and talented Elizabeth Mueller ) over @Breaking all the Rules…

So here’s my entry, a snippet that never received a name (It’s simply saved as Michael… yes, crude… but simple). Anything older is saved on floppy's and I have no way of accessing them...

I need to throw them away, you say? Hush your mouth. Them's my babies!

This bit actually came to me as an “idea” when I sat out on my porch during a spring storm here in Oklahoma. I named my Hero (Michael) but never got around to naming the Heroine.

Of course, after I wrote out this idea it stalled out and never amounted to anything more then taking up a few KB’s on my hard drive. It’s fairly short (only a little over 700 words).

The temperatures had decreased to bone chilling factors. The mid-day sky had darkened to a hazy gray with an almost black horizon. The few trees in the field bent to the winds brutal demand. Her hair slapped at her face viciously, as the leaves rustled fiercely. As suddenly as the wind begun, it had stopped, and in the eerie silence she could hear her rapid breathing.

Big raindrops feel from the sky, slowly at first then turning to a sudden downpour that plastered her clothes to her like an extra layer of skin. Her face and hair was drenched in a matter of seconds. She felt droplets run down her face leaving a trail. It felt as if bony fingertips made of ice had caressed her. The air had changed from the fresh smell of rain and grass to an almost wood burning smell.

A bolt of lightning flashed across the sky. She jerked as her eyes instinctively closed causing her to release Michael’s hand.

“Michael!” Fear seized her insides.

Thunder vibrated around her, drowning out her cry, and actual shook her physically.

“I’m here.” He grasped her hand again, and continued to tug her along after him.

A sound penetrated all others, and she could’ve sworn her heart completely stopped.

A freight train.

“Run!” Michael yelled.

She knew it couldn’t be an actual freight train. But she knew what it must be. All her life she’d heard stories that tornado’s sounded like trains when they were close to you. Now, she knew it was true. That was going to be the last sound she ever heard. That horrible whining sound.

“We have to find cover!” He’d yelled but she still had to strain to hear him.

Running as fast as her legs allowed her too a force slammed into her shoulder. She stumbled with the impact, but Michael never released her hand. To scared to look back, she kept her feet moving. It was getting harder to catch her breath and it felt as if something was jabbing her side, but still she ran. What ripped through the trees and fields behind them promised to be far deadlier then little aches and pains.

“There!” He yelled.

She tired to see what had captured his attention, but it had become impossible to see through her hair, the wind, and rain.

Seconds later she crashed into his back and that’s when she saw what was to be their shelter. A square cement opening that was partially covered by grass lay in near the road they had come upon. There was no telling what was in that hole, or how deep it was, but she was more then willing to chance that then the tornado that was coming.

Michael jumped in first. His entire body had disappeared in the black depth. “Hurry, jump!”

Not giving it another seconds thought, she sat on the edge and jumped inside the dark hole. Her body contacted with his and he instantly pushed her lower to the bottom. Her hands came in contact with something slimy and damp. Smothering a scream, she forced herself to not jump from the entity.

Michael wrapped his wide body on top of hers, burying her head beneath his chest. He smelled of earth, rain, and sweat.

“Whatever happens, keep your head tucked down.” He guided her hands to a round cold object.

A metal pipe, she guessed.

“And do not let go!”

She pulled her body as close to the pipe and hugged it to her chest as firmly as she could. She felt Michael press into her back, sandwiching her between him and the pipe.

The wind and debris had found its way into their sanctuary. Objects hit her arms and hands painfully, even as Michael’s body shielded hers.

All the while that horrifying sound grew louder and closer. She squeezed her eyes shut.

Please, let us make it through this. Please!

“I love you, Michael.” She whispered, fear controlling the volume of her voice.

Moments later the sound dissipated and the wind died down, but she kept her grip on the pipe until she felt Michael’s body relax as well. He unwrapped himself from the protective cover and pulled her to face him.

He stated simply. “I heard that.” And kissed her trembling lips.

Okay... go over to Elizabeth's blog and see all the other entries by daring women!


Melissa said...

So I know this is supposed to be about breaking rules and stuff -- so I'm assuming this isn't your best work or anything. And I definitely notice you break the "Writing Rules" here but I have to say something.

Your writing potential practically oozes out of these words. It could be fixed up sure but it's still easy to see you have raw talent. And I think that's a really important factor in distinguishing the best writers from the good ones.

Anonymous said...

Yup, what Melissa said.

Nice job!

Courtney Barr - The Southern Princess said...

Yes! I agree with Melissa & Diamond - seriously you can see the talent.

Love this and love your blog! So glad to have found you now ;o)

Visit My Kingdom Anytime

Sangu said...

I loved how you can see that while this isn't the greatest piece in the world (and it isn't supposed to be), you can still see that you have so much talent!

I vividly remember the days of floppys and I'm only 22! God, things have moved so fast, haven't they?

Raquel Byrnes said...

I like this. You can really see the imagery. I felt like I was there.

M. Bail said...

Nice piece - I could see it as it happened. And living in a tornado-prone area, it's a scary reality (I haven't actually lived thru a tornado, thankfully, but I have experienced the sirens and scrambling for the basement!)

Good job!

RaShelle said...

I loved it. I felt tension and the sweetness of the two of them. I couldn't stop reading. I kept thinking, "Is he going to be safe? Oh, he better be safe?" And then he kissed her. Ahhhhh. Good stuff girl.

Tessa Conte said...

This is a really nice piece! Really vivid writing (ok maybe a few rules broken), and an absolutely FANTASTIC ending there... "I heard that"... CLASSIC!!

elizabeth mueller said...

I want to thank you for participating my blogfest! You are so brave and sweet! Sorry it's taken me long to get to your entry--I'm at the library editing my morning and afternoon away. My hubby was gracious enough to watch my kidlets so that I can catch up!!

Oooh! Intense! Well thought out!! I loved adverbs and flowery words back in the good ole days. *Sigh*

You can so turn this into a YA romance you can!!! I'm sooooo glad you didn't kill Michael off, I was so prepared for you to do it. ((Hugs))!!!

Suzie said...

I know I'm late getting around today (payday... lots of bills to take care of) so I'm gonna try to be quick here so I can get over to everyone's blog and read their entries.

Thank you all so much. That's super sweet. The sad thing is...I feel like the more I learn about the "Rules" the less creative I get. *sigh* Very frustrating! LOL...

And a warm welcome to Courtney! I'm glad you found me too! Now I can find you! :)

Babydoll said...

Great story! Very intense! LOTS of potential! I was sooo hoping she wouldn't lose Michael!

drea moore said...

Ok, wow :D you really build the tension well. I seriously loved this. I can't spot too many rule breakers though...and even if there are any, I don't think there are enough to compromise this work :( Looks awesome...

And about the floppies:

There are external floppy drives for modern computers...I needed one for my dustiest work. Give it a look-see :D

Suzie said...

@RaShelle & Babydoll - I could never kill off a character as important to my heroine as Michael is... too much of that romance blood in me. I'm a sap for love: especially true love that lasts a lifetime.

@Drea - I recieved a package in the mail around my birthday last month and it had some kind of weird looking flash drive from a place called Now, I didn't order one but it had my name on it. I don't know what to do with that crazy contraption... my desktop has all sorts of media slots, but not one that small. I'll have to go look at their webpage. Maybe that'll help me understand! LOL :)

Dawn Embers said...

Oh.. it's a tornado. I need to work at reading better as I start to get a bit skimmy with blogfest entries. Tend to skim over some points. I do have to ask:
Did you see Twister before writing this? You might not remember but the scene with the pipe reminds me of the tornado in Twister.

Like the name for the hero. ;-)

Suzie said...

@Dawn - You know, I really don't remember. :( It's been many, many years ago that I wrote that.

To be honest, I'm not even sure Twister was made when I wrote that. I do remember going to the drive-in and watching Twister and them stopping the movie because of a bad storm with possible tornadoes moving through our town.

Thanks. ;)

Angie said...

A tornado. Exciting! Loved the end too.

Andrew Rosenberg said...

Nice scene.
For me it was a little hard to picture, where they were, where there were in relation to each other, body positions, etc. And the storm seemed to stop and start randomly.
That's all things that can be cleaned up. Nice start!

amy said...

I agree with everyone else. This piece has a lot of potential. Could use some polishing and maybe a little fleshing out, but I really like the core idea. Good job!

Roland D. Yeomans said...

For a rule breaker, you wrote a really good start to a great scene. I was looking forward to your bad boy entry. Come check out mine, Roland

Donna Hole said...

Wow, that was really good. I enjoyed it very much. I didn't see any rule breaking; I was to engaged in the story.

Sorry I'm so late commenting; I'm way behind.